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Why I dislike lions.
When I was a young lad of 6, I found gainful employment riding sidecar with a daredevil-of-sorts. We would race around a giant circular roadway and entertain the public with our derring-do and hi-jinks.
But alas, my employer decided that something more exciting was needed. And so someone suggested a wild animal, perhaps a cockatoo or an egret. But my employer, the daredevil, wanted his audience to experience heart-pounding excitement and sheer terror, the kind that no 6 year old could provide. And so the idea of a lion came to pass.
It was a resounding but short-lived success as during the first ride, the lion proceeded to eat the daredevil. I soon found myself out of work and penniless. And for that, I dislike lions.
Narwhals are fierce and deadly creatures with a unicorn horn that they use to kill and maim their opponents. You can avoid being speared by narwhals by carrying a JOUSTING LANCE with you at all times.
In the event of a narwhal attack, you may defend yourself and live to tell a tale of wonder and adventure.
Dengue Fever can be near fatal if caught due to mosquito bite. It can cause severe dizziness, headaches, bladder problems, and loss of appetite.
Disco Fever is far worse, causing one to dance maniacally until the early morning hours, wear tight polyester clothing and inhale large quantities of the narcotic, known as cocaine. You can protect yourself from Disco Fever by avoiding night clubs, the 70's and films such as "Saturday Night Fever".
The Flying Tree Snakes of Southeast Asia are deadly and venomous as they have the capability to fly through the air and leap down un unsuspecting humans from above. But even more deadly are the Flying Trees that the snakes attack from. You will know that you are in the vicinity of these deadly Flying Trees (and are therefore able to avoid them) when you are attacked by a Flying Tree Snake from above.
I vaguely recollect an incident whilst traveling to the East Indies on a freight ship. I was in the cargo hold looking for more port wine, when I came across the young cabin boy, Johann I think was his name, and his chicken, Siegfried. He offered to sell me his chicken, but Siegfried refused. Quickly, a knife fight ensued between Johann and his chicken. Feathers and blood filled the air. Alas, Johann perished from the many cuts his chicken inflicted on him. I never saw Siegfried again (I've been told that he resides in Bangla Desh, disguised as sparrow). But it was a long time ago and I was probably very drunk at the time.
Being adrift at sea for months can take its toll. Conditions are harsh and sometimes desperate. Make sure to protect yourself by using Sunblock Lotion, preferably with the highest sun-protection. This will ensure that you always look your best upon rescue.
I vaguely recollect once while I was in the midst of an opium haze in Shanghai, back when it still belonged to the Chinese, I had a rather odd encounter with a scone. In my sweet malaise, I remember being served tea and scones. Suddenly, one of the scones sat up and said, "behold, the Lord Jester, who once was king, now a fool in his greatness." And I looked deep into my soul and understood the truth when I realized, "my God, a talking scone." Wait...no, that's wrong, it wasn't a scone at all, it was an albatross. And it wasn't in China, it was Luxembourg, by God...all I remember is that I was very drunk at the time.
The Portuguese Man-of-War is a deadly beast with stinging venom tentacles that reach upwards of 50 meters in length (2-3 miles in standard measurements, if my conversion is correct). To avoid being stung by such a creature, do not go to Portugal.
The blue-ringed octopus is one of the most toxic sea creatures in the world. Avoid the temptation of ordering the tossed, blue-ringed octopus salad as a refreshing starter course as the neurotoxins will cause respiratory and cardiac arrest and possibly death.
There is no way to survive a shipwreck without resorting to cannibalism.
Never challenge a Spitting Cobra to a Spitting Contest. The Spitting Cobra will not only spit poison in your eyes, blinding you instantly, but it will sink its fangs into your calves releasing a deadly neurotoxic venom into your bloodstream causing necrosis and eventual death. Causing you to lose the Spitting Contest.
The zebra used its black-and-white pattern as successful camouflage for centuries until the invention of color film. It suddenly became very apparent that the zebra pattern matches nothing in the wilds of the Serengeti. Avoid using the zebra pattern as camouflage to avoid being seen by predator.
If you find yourself in the wilds of Africa facing a ferocious tiger, do not fret, as you are in fact in India, not Africa. Or Sumatra, if it is a Sumatran Tiger.
I vaguely recollect a story whilst hunting tiger with the Maharaj, a small aboriginal boy whose name escapes me, asking about time. He had been assigned to carry my great Uncle, Lord Winthrop's grandfather clock.
This boy asked what the purpose of carrying such a clock was. I replied, "to tell time, of course." But then he asked, "what use do you have of time in the jungle?" We laughed heartily and sent him on his way.
He died of typhoid weeks later. In all probability, I was very drunk at the time.
Ahh yes, Sanjay or Roger or Jirra or Mogwai was his name...I think.
When trekking across the Serengeti, avoid the tall grass at all costs. Many predators including lion, leopard, and the black mamba hide there, waiting to attack. If you must cross through the high grass, find a giraffe and ride it like a horse. It will allow you to see above the high grass and the predatars that hide there and the giraffe would consider it a delight.
Never get into a fist-fight with a Mongolian. With the high altitude, Mongolians will always have the advantage. Instead, use your side-arm or musket and shoot at the abdomen. This will incapacitate your opponent and give you the chance to mount your yak and run away.
The pizza is known to be the perfect food. One could survive on pizza alone if trapped on a deserted island. It not only provides all the necessary vitamins and nutrients to fight scurvy, but staves off the ravages of starvation as well. Always remember to pack a pizza oven wherever and whenever you travel.
If you have been mauled by a lioness or a pack of hyaenas while on safari, you may feel a tad gun-shy to again engage on another trek through the Kalahari. Do not dismay, going on safari is like riding a bike. Provided, of course, that you are riding a bike through the Kalahari with full gear, a team of porters, a host of Masai guides and your man, Thomas, to make sure your tea is hot and your martini cold.
Ice floes are dangerous waters to swim in. Grab hold of a passing polar bear as it swims by. This will a) give you a brief respite from swimming and b) allow the polar bear to navigate you through the dangerous waters.
Never befriend a goat. It will not only eat you out of house and home, but it will borrow money that it has no intention of ever paying back.
Poison Dart Frogs are deadly and venemous. Avoid playing darts with them at all costs. You will not only lose, but you stand to be poisoned.
Never choose a side between the mongoose and a cobra. You will be tempted to cheer on the mongoose (perhaps even shouting a resounding "Huzzah!"). But be warned, the mongoose does not always prevail. Then you will find yourself with a triumphant but resentful cobra.
Drinking your own urine can sometimes become an essential means of survival. Make sure your urine is free of toxins and impurities by drinking purified, filtered water, preferably having been processed through a reverse osmosis filter and exposed to ultraviolet light to kill of bacteria. Better still, drink imported bottled water.
At times it is necessary to eat grubs and insects for survival. They may be the only thing to prevent death from starvation. You can overcome their unappetizing nature by preparing them with some shallots, fresh herbs, garlic and a splash of cold-pressed, virgin olive oil. Sprinkle them over some delicately cooked pasta and enjoy with a medium-bodied Shiraz.
When crossing the barren deserts of the Sahel, remember to bring a copious supply of water, it will be your lifeline to survival. Barring water, you may choose to drink any variation of thirst quenchers such as soda water, iced tea, lemonade, sasparilla, a gin and tonic, a Bombay Sapphire martini or whatever else the dining car offers.
When attempting to conquer Everest, make sure to dress appropriately for the freezing temperatures you will encounter as you near the summit. A sturdy woolen coat, scarf, hat and proper leggings ought to suffice.
Climbing Everest in the Summer months is a dangerous affair. This is due to over-crowding and a multitude of climbers, many suffering from pulmonary edema or frostbite. To avoid this, consider climbing Everest in the Fall or better even the Winter when it is less crowded and rates are cheaper.
The Inland Taipan is the most venomous snake in the world, yet most people don't know what they look like. Always travel with a glass-encased, museum quality, mounted replica of a Taipan, preferably in attack pose. To do this, you must first capture a live, wild Taipan and mount it. Once armed with your newly mounted replica, you will have the advantage if you encounter another Taipan on your journeys through the Northern Territory of Australia.
Bears are the most fearsome creatures on the planet (apart from wolverines and ocelots). Yet everyone knows Bears love honey. To avoid attracting bears, use sugar instead of honey during afternoon tea time.
If you find yourself in open water, surrounded by ferocious man-eating sharks, thrash about wildly and scream as loud as possible. This will achieve two things, 1) it should scare the sharks away and 2) after a few days, attract the attention of a passing ship or perhaps a schooner.
If you find yourself on a plane and you suddenly remember that you are a drug mule and you are carrying 5KG of heroin in small condoms inside your stomach, remember to avoid countries where drug trafficking is punishable with the death penalty.
If you lose an appendage, say an arm or a leg, due to a life-and-death struggle with an octopus, remember to train yourself to fight an octopus with only one arm or leg beforehand. This is the only way to defeat the octopus.
Malaria can be the result of mosquito bites in sub-tropic and tropic regions. To avoid getting malaria, get bitten only by the mosquitoes that don't have malaria.
If you find yourself alone, in freezing temperatures, in the middle of the frozen tundra with daylight fading, get yourself to the nearest ski lodge/resort. There you can rent a room, draw a hot bath and sip on hot chocolate in front of a roaring flame. This will insure your core body temperature to return to normal.
If you find yourself in a life-and-death struggle with an Anaconda, always remember one thing -- Anacondas hate the cold. Quickly construct a large walk-in freezer and you'll soon feel the Anaconda's grip loose.
When facing a mountain lion, pretend to be a much bigger and more dangerous animal, say a bear or a shark.
