skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Why I dislike lions.
When I was a young lad of 6, I found gainful employment riding sidecar with a daredevil-of-sorts. We would race around a giant circular roadway and entertain the public with our derring-do and hi-jinks.
But alas, my employer decided that something more exciting was needed. And so someone suggested a wild animal, perhaps a cockatoo or an egret. But my employer, the daredevil, wanted his audience to experience heart-pounding excitement and sheer terror, the kind that no 6 year old could provide. And so the idea of a lion came to pass.
It was a resounding but short-lived success as during the first ride, the lion proceeded to eat the daredevil. I soon found myself out of work and penniless. And for that, I dislike lions.
Narwhals are fierce and deadly creatures with a unicorn horn that they use to kill and maim their opponents. You can avoid being speared by narwhals by carrying a JOUSTING LANCE with you at all times.
In the event of a narwhal attack, you may defend yourself and live to tell a tale of wonder and adventure.
Dengue Fever can be near fatal if caught due to mosquito bite. It can cause severe dizziness, headaches, bladder problems, and loss of appetite.
Disco Fever is far worse, causing one to dance maniacally until the early morning hours, wear tight polyester clothing and inhale large quantities of the narcotic, known as cocaine. You can protect yourself from Disco Fever by avoiding night clubs, the 70's and films such as "Saturday Night Fever".
The Flying Tree Snakes of Southeast Asia are deadly and venomous as they have the capability to fly through the air and leap down un unsuspecting humans from above. But even more deadly are the Flying Trees that the snakes attack from. You will know that you are in the vicinity of these deadly Flying Trees (and are therefore able to avoid them) when you are attacked by a Flying Tree Snake from above.
I vaguely recollect an incident whilst traveling to the East Indies on a freight ship. I was in the cargo hold looking for more port wine, when I came across the young cabin boy, Johann I think was his name, and his chicken, Siegfried. He offered to sell me his chicken, but Siegfried refused. Quickly, a knife fight ensued between Johann and his chicken. Feathers and blood filled the air. Alas, Johann perished from the many cuts his chicken inflicted on him. I never saw Siegfried again (I've been told that he resides in Bangla Desh, disguised as sparrow). But it was a long time ago and I was probably very drunk at the time.
Being adrift at sea for months can take its toll. Conditions are harsh and sometimes desperate. Make sure to protect yourself by using Sunblock Lotion, preferably with the highest sun-protection. This will ensure that you always look your best upon rescue.
I vaguely recollect once while I was in the midst of an opium haze in Shanghai, back when it still belonged to the Chinese, I had a rather odd encounter with a scone. In my sweet malaise, I remember being served tea and scones. Suddenly, one of the scones sat up and said, "behold, the Lord Jester, who once was king, now a fool in his greatness." And I looked deep into my soul and understood the truth when I realized, "my God, a talking scone." Wait...no, that's wrong, it wasn't a scone at all, it was an albatross. And it wasn't in China, it was Luxembourg, by God...all I remember is that I was very drunk at the time.
