Survival Tip #16:

The Flying Tree Snakes of Southeast Asia are deadly and venomous as they have the capability to fly through the air and leap down un unsuspecting humans from above. But even more deadly are the Flying Trees that the snakes attack from. You will know that you are in the vicinity of these deadly Flying Trees (and are therefore able to avoid them) when you are attacked by a Flying Tree Snake from above.

The Vague Recollections of Sir Lord Billingsley III

I vaguely recollect an incident whilst traveling to the East Indies on a freight ship. I was in the cargo hold looking for more port wine, when I came across the young cabin boy, Johann I think was his name, and his chicken, Siegfried. He offered to sell me his chicken, but Siegfried refused. Quickly, a knife fight ensued between Johann and his chicken. Feathers and blood filled the air. Alas, Johann perished from the many cuts his chicken inflicted on him. I never saw Siegfried again (I've been told that he resides in Bangla Desh, disguised as sparrow). But it was a long time ago and I was probably very drunk at the time.

Survival Tip #15:

Being adrift at sea for months can take its toll. Conditions are harsh and sometimes desperate. Make sure to protect yourself by using Sunblock Lotion, preferably with the highest sun-protection. This will ensure that you always look your best upon rescue.

Vague Recollections of Sir Lord Billingsley III

I vaguely recollect once while I was in the midst of an opium haze in Shanghai, back when it still belonged to the Chinese, I had a rather odd encounter with a scone. In my sweet malaise, I remember being served tea and scones. Suddenly, one of the scones sat up and said, "behold, the Lord Jester, who once was king, now a fool in his greatness." And I looked deep into my soul and understood the truth when I realized, "my God, a talking scone." Wait...no, that's wrong, it wasn't a scone at all, it was an albatross. And it wasn't in China, it was Luxembourg, by God...all I remember is that I was very drunk at the time.

Survival Tip #14:

The Portuguese Man-of-War is a deadly beast with stinging venom tentacles that reach upwards of 50 meters in length (2-3 miles in standard measurements, if my conversion is correct). To avoid being stung by such a creature, do not go to Portugal.

Survival Tip #13:

The blue-ringed octopus is one of the most toxic sea creatures in the world. Avoid the temptation of ordering the tossed, blue-ringed octopus salad as a refreshing starter course as the neurotoxins will cause respiratory and cardiac arrest and possibly death.

How To Survive A Shipwreck Without Resorting to Cannibalism:

There is no way to survive a shipwreck without resorting to cannibalism.