Survival Tip #15:

Being adrift at sea for months can take its toll. Conditions are harsh and sometimes desperate. Make sure to protect yourself by using Sunblock Lotion, preferably with the highest sun-protection. This will ensure that you always look your best upon rescue.

Vague Recollections of Sir Lord Billingsley III

I vaguely recollect once while I was in the midst of an opium haze in Shanghai, back when it still belonged to the Chinese, I had a rather odd encounter with a scone. In my sweet malaise, I remember being served tea and scones. Suddenly, one of the scones sat up and said, "behold, the Lord Jester, who once was king, now a fool in his greatness." And I looked deep into my soul and understood the truth when I realized, "my God, a talking scone." Wait...no, that's wrong, it wasn't a scone at all, it was an albatross. And it wasn't in China, it was Luxembourg, by God...all I remember is that I was very drunk at the time.

Survival Tip #14:

The Portuguese Man-of-War is a deadly beast with stinging venom tentacles that reach upwards of 50 meters in length (2-3 miles in standard measurements, if my conversion is correct). To avoid being stung by such a creature, do not go to Portugal.

Survival Tip #13:

The blue-ringed octopus is one of the most toxic sea creatures in the world. Avoid the temptation of ordering the tossed, blue-ringed octopus salad as a refreshing starter course as the neurotoxins will cause respiratory and cardiac arrest and possibly death.

How To Survive A Shipwreck Without Resorting to Cannibalism:

There is no way to survive a shipwreck without resorting to cannibalism.

Survival Tip #11:

Never challenge a Spitting Cobra to a Spitting Contest. The Spitting Cobra will not only spit poison in your eyes, blinding you instantly, but it will sink its fangs into your calves releasing a deadly neurotoxic venom into your bloodstream causing necrosis and eventual death. Causing you to lose the Spitting Contest.

Survival Tip #34

The zebra used its black-and-white pattern as successful camouflage for centuries until the invention of color film. It suddenly became very apparent that the zebra pattern matches nothing in the wilds of the Serengeti. Avoid using the zebra pattern as camouflage to avoid being seen by predator.