Survival Tip #34

The zebra used its black-and-white pattern as successful camouflage for centuries until the invention of color film. It suddenly became very apparent that the zebra pattern matches nothing in the wilds of the Serengeti. Avoid using the zebra pattern as camouflage to avoid being seen by predator.

Survival Tip #1:

If you find yourself in the wilds of Africa facing a ferocious tiger, do not fret, as you are in fact in India, not Africa. Or Sumatra, if it is a Sumatran Tiger.

The Vague Recollections of Sir Lord Billingsley III

I vaguely recollect a story whilst hunting tiger with the Maharaj, a small aboriginal boy whose name escapes me, asking about time. He had been assigned to carry my great Uncle, Lord Winthrop's grandfather clock.

This boy asked what the purpose of carrying such a clock was. I replied, "to tell time, of course." But then he asked, "what use do you have of time in the jungle?" We laughed heartily and sent him on his way.

He died of typhoid weeks later. In all probability, I was very drunk at the time.

Ahh yes, Sanjay or Roger or Jirra or Mogwai was his name...I think.

Survival Tip #72:

When trekking across the Serengeti, avoid the tall grass at all costs. Many predators including lion, leopard, and the black mamba hide there, waiting to attack. If you must cross through the high grass, find a giraffe and ride it like a horse. It will allow you to see above the high grass and the predatars that hide there and the giraffe would consider it a delight.

Survival Tip #10:

Never get into a fist-fight with a Mongolian. With the high altitude, Mongolians will always have the advantage. Instead, use your side-arm or musket and shoot at the abdomen. This will incapacitate your opponent and give you the chance to mount your yak and run away.

Survival Tip #123:

The pizza is known to be the perfect food. One could survive on pizza alone if trapped on a deserted island. It not only provides all the necessary vitamins and nutrients to fight scurvy, but staves off the ravages of starvation as well. Always remember to pack a pizza oven wherever and whenever you travel.

Survival Tip #2:

If you have been mauled by a lioness or a pack of hyaenas while on safari, you may feel a tad gun-shy to again engage on another trek through the Kalahari. Do not dismay, going on safari is like riding a bike. Provided, of course, that you are riding a bike through the Kalahari with full gear, a team of porters, a host of Masai guides and your man, Thomas, to make sure your tea is hot and your martini cold.